If life is a struggle, then betrayal is an aimed blow to the gut, after which you take off the ropes and lie for a long time, gasping for breath and trying to recover. Despite the statistics, assuring that 75% of men at least once in their lives awarded their wives with horns, we always hope that this will not happen in our family. And when it does happen, we get lost, give up and do not know what to do next. How to survive the betrayal of her husband? With a scandal, throw traitor’s things out of the balcony and not let him go to the door again? Go to rip off the girlfriend? Pretend like nothing happened and endure for the sake of children?
Why do they change
Men's treason has many faces, like Indian Brahma. Even more. The creator of the universe in Hinduism possessed only four persons, while every staunch lover of “trips to the left” immediately gave you four times more reasons for treason. The nature that made it monogamous is to blame. A wife who does not understand the tender soul of a spouse. Alcohol, boredom, fatal coincidence ... All the reasons can not be counted.
Not every couple will stand the test of betrayal.
If you are interested in understanding the causes of adultery, read about the psychology of married men, you can learn something interesting for yourself. But now we are concerned not so much about the reason that pushed the spouse into the arms of another woman, but the question of what to do with all this now. The question is almost Hamlet: to be or not to be from now on your family?
Divorce, only divorce!
As long as the spouses have a chance to save the marriage, you need to fight for it. If only because it will not be any easier to build the next one, but with this man you are already linked by shared memories, pleasant moments of the past, knowledge of each other’s habits and inclinations. It costs a lot! However, there are situations when there is no point in fighting for the salvation of what has already ceased to exist.
- The husband does not want to talk about treason. Of course, the possibility remains that he is simply unbearably ashamed, but it seems more like an attempt to hush up the situation, without delving into it - perhaps you will calm down and everything will go on as before.
- Spouse blames you for what happened. No matter what arguments he gives, decisive importance here is an attempt to shift the blame from a sick head to a healthy one. It is very likely that you did make small mistakes in your behavior, but for settling family troubles you have long since invented such a wonderful means as heart-to-heart talk. Diving under a blanket to another woman is not necessary for this.
- Your spouse does not see anything special in adultery. It happened and happened, because of what you started up, pray tell! Here it remains either to accept the free views of the spouse for marriage and to prepare yourself mentally for the next betrayal, or to pack your bags.
- Something broke inside you, and the person, formerly a family member, became alien and repulsive. You understand that you will no longer be able to cope with resentment, anger, disgust for your spouse, and his touch and even appearance causes you to reject.
- The husband admitted that he doesn’t feel anything more for you and is not going to break his connection with another woman. Or women, as it will.
Get hold of it tightly: family is not engaged in saving alone. It is possible to take active steps in this direction only if the man himself is striving with all his forces towards reunification. If, on his part, it blows with cold and indifference, all your efforts will be doomed to failure. In this case, the divorce will be the most reasonable and painless way out.
You have to make one of the most difficult decisions in life.
When is it worth trying to save marriage and family
When does an unfaithful spouse deserve a second chance? To solve this, of course, you. Each wife has his own measure of patience and his own ideas about what is permissible. But there are situations that can, if not justify adultery, then at least serve as mitigating circumstances.
- You love your husband in spite of everything and are sure: his feelings for you have not cooled.
- Treason was a one-off and virtually random. Drank too much on corporate parties. I could not resist the temptation in a long trip away from you. "Damn beguiled." None of us is perfect.
- The husband's repentance raises no doubts, and his attempts to earn your forgiveness can touch the stony heart.
- If you have children, this is a weighty argument in favor of saving the family. Worse than a divorce of parents for a child’s psyche can only be life in a house where mum and dad continually scandal and humiliate each other, so choose carefully. Believe that you will be able to establish a harmonious relationship with the stumbled spouse? It makes sense to try to do it. Anger and resentment do not allow you to respect your husband, as before? Get divorced.
- You are pregnant. Strange argument? Right. On the one hand, to become a victim of betrayal on the part of a loved one at the moment when you bear his child is monstrous. On the other hand, due to hormone games and hypersensitivity, you will hardly be able to assess the situation soberly. The best thing you can do in your position is to take a long pause in a relationship, fully concentrating your thoughts on the child, and only after some time, without tears and fever, make a decision.
Still at a crossroads? Then put a sheet of paper in front of you, roll it in two and write on the right all the advantages that you get by insisting on a divorce, and on the left - all the disadvantages. Which side of the list is longer?
How to survive the betrayal of her husband: 5 practical tips psychologists
Take time out does not hurt anyway. Your first reaction to the betrayal of a man will surely be a desire to make a scandal to a cheater, but find the strength to restrain yourself. In the heat of the moment, both of you will tell a lot of things to each other, which you will later regret.
Start disassembly "hot pursuit" - not the best idea
Take it easy
Send the children to the grandparents, take a toothbrush, change the linen for a week and rent a hotel room or ask to visit a close friend. So you, first of all, will gain time for reflection, and secondly, give your husband a mini-presentation of what awaits him in case of a divorce. Let him spend a couple of evenings in an empty apartment, where there will be neither you nor children's voices, nor delicious smells from the kitchen, and think carefully about what he might lose. And you take this time to:
- calm down - valerian, meditation, confidential conversations with a friend, long walks in the fresh air and SPA salons to help you;
- analyze the situation;
- build a further line of conduct.
Hiding from her husband is literally not worth it. Call him on the phone and explain: you are very sick and ill, so you should think carefully before returning home. And if you decide not to break into what has cracked, but to try to restore the marriage, go to the second step.
Do not tighten the pause to infinity. The first week a man will suffer and rush about, then he will get used to it, and then he may get a taste of a bachelor life.
Give yourself time to cry, and then pull yourself together.
Talk to your husband
Quiet, calm, without hysteria. Your task will not be to convict a cheater and explain to your spouse what a scoundrel he is, but to calmly discuss the current situation and views on further living together. At the same time try to find out from the husband the reasons for treason. What did he lack next to you? Why did he decide that with another woman he would be better? Hear everything you hear on the mustache - perhaps in the future it will be useful to you, not only to save the family, but also to make it even stronger.
Important! To appear on a fateful meeting should not be trampled by betrayal and pain by a wife with a ruined face and bags under her eyes, but a refreshed beauty with a fashionable hairstyle, a magnificent manicure and a dress emphasizing all the merits of the figure. It doesn't matter how much strength it takes from you, you have to shine in front of your husband. In addition, it is known that nothing puts in order the disheveled feminine nerves, like a trip to beauty salons and good shopping.
It happens that the deceived wife begins to either sob in front of her husband, begging him to return, or takes on an impregnable look and makes it clear: the traitor husband doesn’t need her much. Try to avoid both extremes. Hold with dignity, but not arrogant. Explain that you hurt, but do not pour reproaches. Make it clear that you want to save the family, but do not humiliate yourself with pleas and full admission of your guilt. And if the outcome of the conversation with her husband will satisfy you, do not immediately say that you forgive everything. Say: "I will try." Let a man understand: this decision is not easy for you.
If you want to help yourself regain your trust in your spouse, agree that the first time you will check it is to look in your mobile phone, view your mail, go to social networking pages with your husband's password. But do not overdo it with control, let this measure be temporary, and clearly limited in time. Do not humiliate yourself and your spouse! If you understand that there is no longer any faith in the spree, it is better to leave.
Deciding to forgive, farewell
There is nothing worse than, having forgiven someone, to the end of his life recall the act of his guilty. If you and the man reached an understanding, put a fat cross on the past. Do not ask your spouse about the details of treason. Do not reproach him with your own nobility at every convenient and inconvenient occasion: "You scoundrel, I forgave you everything, but you did not nail the shelf in the bathroom again!" Do not try, as advised by some expansive girls in women's forums, to completely beat the traitor under the heel, taking advantage of the position of the victim. Most likely, the first time the spouse will indulge you in the hope of earning forgiveness. But soon he would get bored of it, and the faithful would decide that he had redeemed his guilt before you long ago.
If the offense does not let go, it is better to leave - the sense of your cohabitation will still not be
Work on bugs
To save a family is only half the battle. Now you need to strengthen it.
- Review your behavior. Maybe you are too picky to her husband? What the faithful hear from you more often - praise or reproach? Does it happen that you often disregard his achievements, but do not miss a chance to emphasize a slip? A clever mistress will easily take advantage of your shortcomings by organizing your spouse a personal paradise in a single apartment, where he will be loved, praised and understood. So try to become more affectionate, more attentive, more tolerant. Believe me, a man will be much more willing to please his wife, patient and loving, than forever frowning and grumbling.
- Watch out for yourself. The most banal advice, which is found in all without exception articles about a happy marriage. But what to do, men love with their eyes! We have to take this into account. And it is not necessary to squeeze your figure into the cherished parameters of 90-60-90. It is enough that your body is not loose (hello, sport!), Hair is greasy, and your home costume does not consist of a tattered robe, broken by moths.
- Do not focus on the house. Clean, tasty dinner and well-groomed children - it's good, but we should not forget about yourself. Meet friends, read, take time to their hobbies. This will help you develop as individuals and maintain an optimistic view of the world.
- Get more relaxed in bed. A lot of men attract not a new woman to the side, but the opportunity to experience bright sensations that are not available to him with his wife. Give them to your spouse, and at the same time enjoy it yourself. Role playing, new poses, gizmos from an adult store - modern couples have plenty of ways to try something new.
- Try to do everything to make your relationship closer. Walk together, go on a visit and to the cinema, get cute home customs for two. For example, to finish the evening by watching a movie together or jogging together every Sunday morning. In addition, try to keep your conversations not exclusively around everyday topics: share your thoughts and experiences for a variety of reasons and do not forget to listen to the thoughts of your spouse.
To overcome the crisis in family life can only be together
Get ready for the fact that the insult and bitterness will still be your constant companions for some time. Such things are not quickly erased from memory, just as lost confidence does not recover overnight. Remember the wise proverb "Shred - the flour will be" and try to resist outbursts of anger and jealousy, which will remind you of yourself more than once. Gradually, they will become less and less, and then disappear altogether.
What is definitely not worth doing is:
- pay the wrong spouse with the same coin;
- try to stifle memories with alcohol;
- to draw children into their squabbles with the husband and set them against the father -
- in the end, it is you who will suffer from all the listed actions.
Is it possible to re-womanizer
Everyone has the right to make mistakes, but not everyone is able to learn the necessary lesson from it. So your husband stoically endured an unpleasant conversation, asked for forgiveness, vowed not even to look in the direction of other women, and after a short while again he was caught hot. And again you are crying on the shoulder of a friend and trying to figure out how to be. Give the traitor another, now a third chance or break a relationship?
The point, of course, is yours. But logic tells us that sincere conversations and efforts to strengthen the family that you made did not impress the spouse. He took your forgiveness as a sign of weakness: she lowered one betrayal, and lowered another. So hardly the next time an unfaithful husband will think for a long time before deciding on another adultery. If there was a third, or even a fourth or fifth betrayal, you can be sure: you live with a real womanizer, who cannot be reformed by any exhortations or blackmail. Not the fact that your spouse out of love. It's just his nature, his view of the world or the attitudes he learned from his childhood. In a word, do not rely on the conscience of the reveler-husband. Or accept it for what it is - as some women do, carefully closing their eyes to the tricks of their half - or write a statement about the divorce.
Some men reuse useless
Useful experience: reviews of women who have experienced adultery
Treason treason strife. It seems to me, when there was no feeling for that woman, foolish, drunk, you can forgive on a business trip. Another thing is to see a husband in love with another, with burning eyes, etc. This is already impossible to forgive. But it must be solved immediately and on the spot. To pretend that I have forgiven, and then fucked up a person for years, at every opportunity, recalling about adultery is not fair and cruel. Repentance cannot be knocked out with fists and tantrums. It is either there or not.
I forgave, forgive and forget. I will say right away, the first two years was a brainstorming, a loved one almost ran away. I ate myself and him. And then it came to her that I was destroying my own happiness, my family. The most interesting thing, having understood that I went too far and really could lose it, I forgave. I do not remember. Well, stumbled, well, ready to mend. Reasons no longer gives. If you decide to forgive, cross off! But see that a person proves by his actions, not words, his devotion and his awareness of a mistake.
It is necessary to cope with treason in half of my husband, and not one by one, otherwise it will result in a 100% divorce.
Be sure to take a vacation together, far away. There will be a full reboot, I promise!
Forgive, but pay attention to yourself. To love yourself, to cherish, in general, you have to treat yourself well, and your half is even better. And there will be love.
Video: Forget or not?
Treason - a serious test for the couple. Someone is sure that they will never be able to relate to her husband as before, someone will safely get rid of their insults. Some spouses live on in mutual love and loyalty, for others life turns into a series of endless trips to the left, suspicions and checks. No one will say in advance how the matter will end in your case, one way or another, you will have to take the risk. But whatever decision you make, remember - this is just treason. Not the end of the world. Not a serious injury. Not the death of your beloved spouse. You always have a chance to either build relationships or break them and build a new one, with a more worthy man. Your life goes on, and it can be happy, no matter what. But only on the condition that you do not give up the circumstances.